Since he first reached sentience and stopped powering cars with his feet like in The Flintstones, man has looked to the stars and wondered whether a benevolent deity watches over his life. If, however, you’ve played Spore and witnessed its seas of gurning reproductive organs and ridicuclously-limbed gimps you’ll come to the conclusion that Will Wright would not make a benevolent god. Let’s have a look at some of our favourite freaks.
1. Dr. Gatorade
Bedecked in the fine colours of crimson and grey and wearing a smile which would get most men convicted, this reptillian horror comes across as a hybrid between John Wayne and Sonic’s Vector the sodding Crocodile. That said, Sega are probably scouring the online Spore community in search of more pathetic anthropomorphic mascots to cram into their games, so I shouldn’t speak too loudly.
2. Sir Anty McInsect
There is a term in 3D animation called “The Uncanny Valley” which refers to the unsettling effect an audience experiences when don’t look real enough to fool the brain. When you walk into town, then, and see a 6ft tall foppish purple insect bastard wearing a top hat, collar and bow tie, tipping his headpiece to you and remarking upon the weather, you know you’re up a certain creek without a certain paddle.
3. Smiley McSmiles
I’m not sure about you, but when I see something which is green, portly, and has three horrific mouths glistening with saliva I would do a runner. Ergo, should these rotund horrors ever step foot upon Earth’s rich soil or wade their scaly legs in our blue seas, we really should start checking out real estate prices on Mars.
4. Mask deSmith
Say what you want about the previous three abortions of nature – thought they may arouse little more than your horror, disgust and maybe a little pity, but at least they had faces. What we have here instead, friends, is a lanky, skirt-wearing ghoul-freak. I just hope that in a few years time we won’t see Indiana Jones raiding the dank, forbidden vaults of this lot.
And then there’s this. Whether the triumverate of optical receptors was a choice of fashion or function, we may never know. What we do know, however, is that green-skinned aliens do not need Popyeye’s oversized arms – and, I assure you, the sight of one of these things gliding merrily towards your village is not one you’ll ever dispel. My resulting years in therapy can vouch for that.