Top 5 Worst Consoles

Exeposé 537

We gamers are a fussy lot; nowadays we complain about Nintendo “forgetting” Europe or Microsoft releasing a console which is louder than God, but always remember things have been worse…

5. N-Gage
Making a console which you have to fully dismantle just to insert a game isn’t the smartest move, is it, Nokia? With a PR team that actually forced you to play it at press events, at least you still looked cool when you’re holding the bloody thing sideways making a phone call. Right? RIGHT?

4. Sega 32X
Hands up who wants to pay $150 for a Mega Drive add-on which produces piss-poor 3D effects for a handful of games, American consumers circa 1994? Yeah, exactly. Not only did some games require Sega CD functionality (clocking the whole shebang in at $500), but later that year Sega would release the Saturn, rendering it obsolete. Baffling.

3. Gizmondo
Heard the one about the Gizmondo executive who crashed a stolen Ferrari, blamed it on an invisible man and admitted embezzlement? The government has, and Gizmondo are currently being investigated on account of them owing £25-30 million to Customs. Whoops. Oh, and the console was rubbish too, having GPRS but virtually no games whatsoever.

2. The Phantom
Phantom was a console which promised complete functionality with every PC game as well as a new user interface dubbed the “Lapboard,” however its future was jeopardised somewhat when the whole thing was found out basically to be one big fraud scheme. Nonetheless, it’s currently being pitched as a rival to Valve’s Steam service. Or something.

1. Virtual Boy
Oh Christ, not this. Essentially Nintendo trying to tap into the short-lived ‘90s VR craze for no reason whatsoever, this succeeded only in providing migraines, back-ache and, um, permanent eye damage. So unsuccessful it managed to get the man who trained Miyamoto, created Metroid and invented the sodding Game Boy fired.

This entry was posted in Exeposé 2007-2008, Games, Lists. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Top 5 Worst Consoles

  1. I miss our editing days… Coming up with crappy top 5 lists at the last minute.

    • I know, right? Actually, I think that some of our best (or at least funniest) individual and collaborative work was on display here, possibly due to the stricter word count.

      This blog is, suffice to say, bringing back many happy, Right Said Fred-related memories…

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