Top 5 Gaming Beefcakes

Exeposé 544

Your average puny human has always enjoyed escapism, and so when he or she plays their favourite videogame they don’t want to run around slowly as an asthma-afflicted wimp who finds the mere act of jumping a chore. No, they want to play as a man with pecs bigger than your head. For your consideration, gaming’s greatest muscle-coated Apollos.

5. Chris Redfield in Resi 5
Circa 1996, Christopher “WESKER!” Redfield was a rather skinny little chap who liked to shoot zombies in the teeth. As of next year, he will have arms that resemble timber and be capable of knocking men into the stratosphere. He’s one “Falcon PUNCH” away from becoming a laughing stock. 

4. Donkey Kong
We here at Exeposé are all about equal opportunities, so there’s nothing weird about us complimenting the fine physique and buttocks of steel of a gurning, faeces-flinging monkey. Whilst, however, his torso closely resembles that of a T-800, his wizened, rickets-afflicted lower body leaves a lot to be desired. Damn, dirty apes. 

3. Mike Haggar
Looking a little like Joseph Stalin if he spent a decade in a gym, Mike Haggar is possibly the only mayor in history to spend more than 80% of his administration shirtless. Nonetheless, campaign policies such as “protein pills for the poor” and “everyone under 300lb to get the death sentence” seem to get him re-elected. 

2. E. Honda
Despite clocking in at 304lb and having a paunch larger than the River Thames, Big Edmund still seems to be able to possess the ability to fly, much to the bemusement of the other, skinnier street fighters. Whether the thick, rope-like petrusions which cake his body are veins or canals of lard is widely debated by scholars to this day 

1. Cole Train
Gears of War always did require a suspension of disbelief, but Cole Train takes the biscuit. Despite having body mass that threatens to envelop nearby stars, Cole nonetheless possesses an acutely small cranium and no neck. His entrance to Gears 2, where he walks through a wall whilst rapping, has to be seen to be believed.

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This entry was posted in Exeposé 2008-2009, Games, Lists. Bookmark the permalink.

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