Fortean Times online October 2010 (the published version had a purely superficial line – about Victorian piety – omitted which I was rather fond of, so, somewhat smugly, I’ve included it here. I also had a rather civil correspondance with director Geoff Klein following its publication. He is a Good and Decent man, in marked contrast with his warped little film)
There’s an increasing trend in horror movies as of late to target the vogue “so-bad-it’s-good” market: one need only look at 2008’s Zombie Strippers, 2009’s RoboGeisha and the recently-released Piranha 3D as examples of studios exploiting viewers into watching knowingly bad films which insist upon themselves being amusing as a result of their sheer ineptitude. Bikini Girls On Ice is very much the same; a film which seems to find its titular moronic premise funnier than anyone watching it, and as such comes across as little more than a grating, obnoxious mess with nothing to recommend it besides the leads’ surgically-nourished assets.
Following not, as one might hope, a troupe of bikini-clad ice-skaters but instead some vacuous nimphettes stranded at an abandoned petrol station who are laboriously slaughtered by an insane employee named Moe (with a penchant for freezing them in a vat of ice), this is sub-standard slasher fare which fails to either deliver effectively the tropes that it is supposed to be mimicking (feisty female protagonist, unlikeable supporting cast of randy teens, near-invincible psychopathic antagonist, etcetera) nor make any effort to lampoon or deconstruct them – the prime accomplishment of the Scream franchise, for example.
The sheer purpose of this film – besides, of course, base titillation – is unfathomable, as it’s impossible to extract even an ounce of enjoyment out of anything it has to offer. Quite predictably, the acting is dire, the dialogue laboured and the direction atrocious; the film’s like a murderous Benny Hill sketch, but wrapped in a smug grin of self-satisfaction in having accomplished its sole goal – the creation of a bad movie. One simply wants to step inside the film, drape a coat over one of the poor bikini girls in question’s shoulders and – like a sanctimonious Victorian philanthropist – calmly reassure them that everything will be alright whilst walking them away from the scene of this depravity.
According to the film’s IMDb trivia page, it was inspired by a dream had by a friend of the director about “putting girls on ice”, and that’s genuinely all it appears to amount to – a private joke between conceited, untalented individuals who think that viewers are either stupid enough to laugh along with them or sufficiently gullible so as to buy this without a shred of irony. Don’t let them win – steer well clear of this boring, self-satisfied mess and pray that this irritating trend in the horror genre soon subsides.